I’m a compatibilist now, and I’m not looking back

Now I know what you’re thinking. Didn’t I try to disprove compatibilism in an earlier article? And yes. But that was a foolish endeavor. You see, I realized that I was attacking the wrong compatibilism. That’s such a beautiful strength of compatibilism. No matter what you say, there’s always something else waiting in the wings for you. That’s how I knew it was right.

I’ve finally realized how much sense compatibilism makes. I can’t believe it’s finally taken me so long to understand. Criminals and everyone else really do deserve everything that they get. I’ve been so stupid and just didn’t understand that concepts like free will and moral responsibility are, in fact, compatible with the determinism of our universe. You know what? Next time I see a gang member, I’ll say this to them.

“Hey, criminal. We study thousands of people like you, so we know you had an abusive childhood and culture and low economic well-being. That's why you chose to rob the store. We know exactly what made this occur, but you chose to do it. And yes, we’re describing a causal relationship, but screw you. You’re the cause. And if you’re not. You’re the one responsible. You ultimately have responsibility for the deterministic chain. Oh, you didn't think of that? Well, it's because you didn't choose to think of it. Oh, you did think of that but still do it? You should've resisted your evil urges. Oh, you didn't have the willpower? You should've asked for help. Oh, you didn't think of that? Once again, you should've chosen to think of that. Oh, you did ask for help, but nobody helped you? It's still your fault if you weren't so evil; perhaps you could've shared your thoughts with healthy people, so it's still your fault. What? You couldn’t do that because you don’t know any healthy people, and even if you did, they would judge or misunderstand you? Yeah right. We'll see you in court. Take 'em away, boys.”

It makes so much sense. I finally get it now. Honestly, even if there’s some merit to determinism, we can easily tell where choice begins and deterministic influence ends. Even if we can’t… Well, let's not change anything. After all, it would upset too many things. And besides, why does any of this have to touch the concept of moral responsibility? It's for the benefit of society, so we should have it. And besides, he still chose to do it. There are societal positives for blame and praise. It makes no sense to overturn that for a maybe.

We've just been discussing the free will argument wrong. In reality, moral responsibility is 100% compatible with determinism. It doesn't matter if we could have done otherwise. We can still be held accountable for what we do. Besides, most philosophers agree with compatibilism, so it must have some merit. There's no way all society and human history could be wrong about this. Oh, and to top it all off, my religion says I have free will, so you can't touch that.

Look, all I'm saying is that I am where I am right now because I chose to be here. Everyone is. That's obviously true. I was able to get rid of my ADHD, autism, and queerness by trying hard enough. Actually, never mind, it's the 21st century. We now realize those things can't be helped. BUT!!! Everything else can and is neatly and easily your fault, and don’t you dare say otherwise.

Compatibilism addresses all of the complaints that anybody could have. If you have complaints we haven’t considered, don’t worry—let us make something up... I mean, philosophize about it. Besides, doesn’t compatibilism at least leave it open-ended enough so nobody has to think or make a choice?

I'm just saying. Don't you think compatibilism helps us realize that we've been talking about the wrong thing the whole time while rejustifying the very thing we were discussing in the first place? Yes, we may have been discussing moral responsibility and free will before, but we weren’t doing it correctly. Now we are. We just are. Before, you guys talked about whether prisons or rehabilitation were worth it. Now, as a compatibilist, I have evolved from that discussion, so let’s talk about whether prisons or rehabilitations are worth it… as compatibilists. It’s completely different from what was just being discussed before we compatibilists got here. We add to the equation and clarify concepts, and it’s overall a net good for everyone.

Determinism always leads to fatalism and nihilism. It can't be true. It just can't be. I'M REAL! We have lives that people have worked so hard for while others were just lazy. Look at how nearly ALL of our compatibilist theories converge and agree with each other. Levels of free will perfectly connect to Frankfurt-style cases and reason-responsiveness. That's how you know we're onto something. Look at how well reason-responsiveness dovetails into degrees of free will. And if it doesn't matter, then again, you're just reframing it wrong; it's got nothing to do with my position’s credibility. Look, I know I'm right, and you're wrong.

I don't know exactly how I'm right because I don't need to rigorously define what I'm even talking about. Just trust me. I'm right. We have so many theories, and one must be right. We're all touching on the same fundamental concept. Our roads to getting there may differ, but we know we're right. What does proving what we’re talking about even mean? Like, what is proof? Did I mention I hate apologists? They just like to assert themselves. It’s like they assume their correctness and then work backward from there. It’s completely unphilosophical. Good thing most philosophers are compatibilists, so there’s no way we’d be engaging in such sophistry. If you don’t understand what we’re talking about, you aren’t opening your mind to our point. Oh, and if you manage to disprove something, I can always just say the paper you’re talking about doesn’t define us. I’ll just show you a TRUE compatibilism paper. You’re not researched enough. What did you find holes in that one, too? Nothing’s perfect, but this is our best theory of everything, and it feels intuitively true. The world’s still spinning, isn’t it. We’re doing incredibly well unless you get born into the mind of a psychopath or person who is at risk of becoming a criminal, which we can accurately predict. But what you have to understand is that these are all YOUR choices.

Meanwhile, determinism diverges, and all of its theories disagree with each other. They keep showing scientific data and predictability, but they're showing it for everything. There’s no way determinism affects everything. There is more to us than this. It just FEELS obvious. Haven’t you noticed how much it feels like you're making choices? Science can’t touch that. Humans are different. We're different than animals and anything else that has ever existed. Yes, the speed of light may be finite, meaning that everything we see, even our own experiences and feelings of having those experiences, also has. But we can move past that and break the laws of physics because of our brain's abilities. Yet, at the same time, if something in our brain is making us cranky or lazy, then that's still our fault. And even if we can’t surpass that fact, it doesn’t matter. There are degrees to free will, even though we can’t define what compatibilist free will is. We don’t need to. Just know there are degrees to it. As long as we redefine free will, then science can go kick rocks. Who says we need to act in accordance with scientifically discovered ethics anyway? WE define ethics. So if I say you’re evil. You’re evil. End of story, and you chose to do it somehow... I mean I don’t know how but you did.

The fact that compatibilism has remained a central philosophical position for so long, directly refuting its attackers, shows it has some merit. Look at how good society is (unless you're unfortunate.). That's because of good hard work. The true and the good. Some misguided person tried to tell me that compatibilist free will makes no sense and then asked me to define it. I don't need to define it. Just know we have it. And if we don't, it's not necessary for moral responsibility. And if it is, then we have it.

It's impossible to actually "prove" anything in philosophy anyway. Let's keep asking questions. Seeking answers doesn't help anyone—especially not us compatibilists. If you look at any compatibilist paper, they all agree with me. Hell, talk to a compatibilist, and you’ll see.

So yeah, I just wanted to tell you guys how I saw the light. Thanks so much for reading. I’m so excited. Soon, I’ll have a YouTube video up so please follow me there. I need to remember it’s entirely up to my will.