What do you even do? (An A-spec perspective) ft. DarkTeaTime

So, first off, I want to say happy SUPER belated pride month… Yeah, I'm not the greatest at doing things. How shall we say... on time? Nevertheless, this topic is near and dear to my heart. As a queer person myself, I often forget to bring it up in discussion. It’s never been my policy to shoehorn queer issues into everything I do. In fact, more often than not, I feel the need to hide it. Likely due to some strand of internalized queerphobia. After a long time questioning why that is, though, I’ve come to a conclusion. While my privacy is essential, there are certainly people who could benefit from my specific queerness getting more exposure. And so it’s out of a moral duty that I feel the need to discuss my queerness.

I know you’re asking what I mean by my specific queerness(Source: About on this blog). To keep things short, I’m a-spec (a-spectrum). The a-spectrum is a moniker given to people on one of two spectrums: Aromantic and Asexual. It can also, at times, reference people who are agender, from what I’m told. I myself am what’s called aro-ace, so I’m in both sub-spectrums. I want this article to be mainly made for those who are unfamiliar with us a-spec people, and so due to that, I need to go over some terms.

Asexual Spectrum: A spectrum of asexualities in which individuals do not feel a normative amount of sexual attraction. This can range from Graysexual (people who rarely feel sexual attraction) to Demisexual people (people who feel some form of sexual desire but only after specific criteria have been met, typically being able to fully trust someone and enjoying their character) to full Asexual (people who feel no sexual attraction whatsoever.) Here’s where some people get lost in the nuances of the a-spectrum. Someone can not feel sexual attraction (I.E., be asexual) but still have sex. Sometimes, even lots of it.

“So why is that?” You may ask. This is an incredibly complex discussion that deserves an entire book, but I’ll do my best to explain it here. It’s because the desire for something and attitude about that thing are not the same thing. For example, there are some prostitutes and sex workers that are asexual. They clearly have a lot of sex. As an asexual, they might not have an active desire for sex. It just means that they don’t mind having it or even enjoy what it can do with other people. It’s like a detached enjoyment. I may not enjoy football, but if I enjoy the camaraderie it instills in my chaotic family and sit down to watch the game for that alone, then that’s a positive perspective on it, even though I’m primarily detached. This is not the same as someone who’s got the face paint on, the giant foam finger, is screaming at each touchdown, and is knocking over their popcorn in frustration when their favorite player gets an injury. They are heavily invested on a personal level. This is the difference between a sex-positive asexual and an allosexual.

In our lives, we also have people who are sex-neutral and sex-negative, which I hope you see is self-explanatory from the previous example. A sex-neutral person is sitting there bored and ambivalent about it. They may have some key moments they enjoy. They may also appreciate the get-together but feel like any other activity would be just as pleasurable, if not more. They can truly take it or leave it. And a sex-negative person is unhappy to be there. Having to join the family for the football game is likely terrifying for them and is something they prefer not to do. They may be able to fake it for a while just to get through the interaction, but it is never going to be the high point of their week. And here’s the thing: it’s not uncommon for asexuals to go up and down this line for any number of reasons.

And it’s also not impossible for asexuals to personally be deeply invested in sex with a specific person. However, this is a significant point. This can happen for any number of reasons. It can just be a random one-off event. It can have something to do with the stakes of the event (maybe just experimenting with some kinks or missing a partner so bad that you see it at that moment as a way to let you know you love them, etc.)

It has nothing to do with their explicit love of a person. It is possible for an asexual (and definitely possible for a gray-sexual) to be fully immersed in a sexual experience. However, that is not necessarily what each asexual is searching for. Some of us may have mind-blowing steamy sex and still not necessarily want to have the experience again or not feel it with a later partner.

I apologize if that seemed complicated, but the simple answer is that asexuals/graysexuals can have diverse opinions on sexual acts that can’t be boiled down to “Eww, I hate it.” or “Cool, let’s do it!”

Allosexuals: People who experience normative amounts of sexual attraction (not necessarily due to any health-related issues) and are personally invested in sex.

Now, another colossal point I need to bring up is the aromantic spectrum.

Keep in mind just about everything I said about sexuality (Gray, Demi, A, and Allo) and apply it to romance, and you get the aromantic spectrum. The two are not mutually exclusive. In fact, it’s pretty common for asexuals to enjoy and partake in romance. We tend to think of sex as totally linked with romance. This is not the case, and it’s one of the biggest things the A-spec network is trying to teach the public. As a Grayromantic-Asexual, I have had women feel like I was gaslighting them or playing with their emotions because I was being romantic but not sexual. Or enjoyed the tease of certain acts but not the actual act itself. It’s unfortunate and has caused a lot of pain to me and other people. This depiction of romance and sex as two sides of the same coin has led to countless amounts of harm to allosexuals/alloromantics and us on the a-spectrum.

People tend to conflate and equivocate aesthetic attraction, romantic attraction, and sexual attraction, which is so odd to me because they’re easy to explain the differences to.

Do you think that person looks good, but you wouldn’t date them or have sex with them personally if given the chance? That’s pure aesthetic attraction. You like the way they look; they may have muscles and/or curves in all the right places, but for one reason or another, you don’t want to date them or have sex with them. And even if you did want to have sex with them, it would be out of curiosity's sake and a one-off experience that you wouldn’t tell anyone about.

Do you really want to have sex with this person not because of their looks and also don’t want a relationship with them? That’s pure sexual attraction and not romantic or aesthetic attraction. And for those of you who are very normative in your tastes, there are all sorts of reasons this can take place. Perhaps you’re attracted to their intelligence (intellectual attraction) or their bonhomie and personality. Perhaps they just had really good game and knew how to talk you into the bedroom because they’re such a charmer, but they didn’t look the way you typically go for. This is once again incredibly common.

(Admittedly, this is a bit more difficult to explain to allonormative people) Do you want to spend a long time with this person and have them as a massive part of your life where you perhaps kiss them, cuddle with them, have children, and move in together but don’t necessarily like their aesthetic (perhaps you’re always giving them grooming/fashion tips out of love) and don’t necessarily pursue sex with them? That’s pure romantic attraction. This can happen in all sorts of situations, such as sugar daddy/mama situations where there is actual love and companionship but not necessarily two-way sexual attraction and aesthetic attraction.

Now that I’ve explained the basic terms, let’s discuss them in a few detail and elaborate on a few things.

Earlier, if you have noticed, I hinted that my explanation of all of this was a moral duty. The reason why is that issues that plague the a-spectrum have a lot to say not just about this particular network of people but broader society as well. Had I been gay or pan or bi, I definitely wouldn’t feel the need to discuss my sexuality with people. Not because I feel like those labels should be hidden but because I thoroughly dislike being reduced to a label. I even dislike how I wrote my about section. But I’m open-minded enough to understand that labels can also help. To some degree, it’s better to label yourself before people label you on their own. Because it’s almost certainly not going to be what you like to hear.

In particular, I’ve noticed the a-spectrum tends to go underrepresented in media and public discourse. Often relegated to an afterthought even in the queer community, I find it particularly important to do advocacy for such a network. The less we of the a-spectrum use our voices, the more people of other networks and ideologies will define us, whether well-meaning or malignant. I can and will write my own in-depth analysis on these topics (how they have deep existential roots that a-spectrum people are often forced to contend with against their will) in a later post, but for now, I’d like to focus on the main topic of the post now that everything’s been laid out.

“What do you even do?” It’s a question that I know just about every A-spec individual has been asked in some way throughout their life. Whether or not they came out to someone or not we tend to get asked these questions. People tend to not even have the ability to fathom how one can live their life, not constantly pursuing, maintaining, and engaging in sexual and romantic relationships. We’re indoctrinated with what I call propaganda on how everything is supposed to ultimately funnel down that road. We can get a career, enjoy friendships, or like our hobbies. But that’s with an asterisk at the bottom that a sexual and romantic contract must be fulfilled to the best of one’s ability.

The question of “What do you even do?” is often asked out of well-meaning curiosity. When encountering a-spec perspectives, an allonormative person will often be incredibly curious (or dismissive) of how someone can live that way, as if perhaps we’re suffering or missing out on the meaning of life itself.

That type of questioning deserves answers from people like us who are on the a-spectrum. A group diverse enough to have different experiences and ideas, yet all seem to be asked a version of that question. And so, without further ado, I want to introduce my twin, my big sib, and my all-around great friend DarkTeaTime (They/Them.) They’re an up-and-coming content creator on YouTube who makes content around media (mainly video games), asexuality, and disability and how these spheres can often intersect in messy and fascinating ways. They may refer to themselves as a purple, sparkly internet goblin, but please don’t be alarmed. They’re the best kind of internet goblin. The kind that does your taxes knows how to get you out of a jam when you’re in a challenging situation and makes a killer breakfast burrito.

(Disclaimer: Neither I nor DarkTeaTime have the authority to speak for an entire group of people or each other. Each opinion shared in this interview is the opinion of the person who spoke it, not necessarily of the other interlocutor or the a-spectrum community as a whole.)

Danni: Dude, you're so tough. 💛 Thanks so much for being willing.

Dark: Aww, you're welcome! You don't have to thank me. I need to write "I am tough" on a sticky note and glue it to my forehead, lol.

Danni: Tell me about it. Some days, I don't even like looking at myself in the mirror since I became disabled. I feel like a total failure. But enough about me.

So, can you tell us a bit about who you are and what you do? Also, why the name DarkTeaTime?

Dark: Ok! So, I'm DarkTeaTime, Dark for short, and I'm a purple sparkly internet goblin who likes to make content about disability, queerness, and asexuality through the lens of fiction and pop culture. DarkTeaTime is kind of a multilayered silly reference to a few things, mainly The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy by Douglas Adams. In one of the books, there's a character that describes the phenomenon of sitting alone on a Sunday and realizing you have nothing to do with yourself, and how he falls into a sort of catatonic state he describes as "the long dark tea time of the soul" It was something that cracked me up and always stuck with me. Then, when I was creating my channel, I chose DarkTeaTime cause in the art I use for my channel, I often carry a giant spoon. Cause, y'know...you stir your tea with a spoon. Oh, and I'm a tea fiend; I drink a lot of tea in general. And Dark just works cause I'm a goth, hahaha! I consider myself a spoonie, so that plays into it as well.

Danni: Oh wow! That's like a triple entendre. I never knew your channel name had so much lore behind it. I'm used to people doing the typical "Butt Fucker 3000" (Source: YouTube. That video is the funniest thing ever), which I'm pretty confident isn't anywhere near as lore intensive as your handle. By the way, what’s a spoonie? I’ve heard you talk about it before but was unsure of the meaning.

Dark: LOL "Butt Fucker 3000", not gonna lie, that is kind of iconic!

Spoonie is a term that relates to spoon theory, which was created by Christine Miserandino. She's an award-winning writer, blogger, and Lupus advocate. She was sitting with a friend in a diner, and her friend asked her what it's like to have lupus. She grabbed the spoons in the diner and lined them up on the table to describe how people with chronic illnesses have to ration our energy really carefully compared to healthy and able-bodied people. The way I always describe it is that the number of spoons you have is like your HP bar, and the more tasks we do, the more hits we get to our HP. Most people can do a lot more in a day, but when you're a spoonie, you have to be really careful about how you manage your tasks.

Danni: Ah. Okay, I'm used to the spoon metaphor but not the term spoonie.

That brings me to my next question.

How does being disabled affect your asexuality and vice versa? Can you give me your perspective on intersectionality?

Dark: Sure! I don't think the two affect each other at all. I've felt ace my entire life, long before I knew there was a term for it. I see it as the same way some people are born with certain hair colours; I was just born ace. With disability, I came down with fibromyalgia about four years ago, and I still feel my aceness is the same.

The only correlation I can think of is that since I rarely leave my home, things that are typically harder for aces (like dating or finding accepting friends, for example) become even harder because I'm never physically in the spaces where people do those things. So, an extra level of difficulty has been added there. Thankfully, I'm someone who really enjoys my solitude. My home is like Superman's fortress of solitude, hahaha.

Danni: I get that for sure. That's a great perspective to have. Mainly because many people seem to think there's an intrinsic link between being disabled and being ace. Some people see asexuality as a disability. As if one is "sexually disabled."

Dark: Ugh, yeah, that always bothers me. I don't like the way people see an entire orientation as "something that's wrong with you." To be fair, I don't see disability that way either, but I know most people who conflate the two do see it that way.

Danni: That brings me to my next question.

How did your asexual journey begin? Do you even consider it a journey? I know you say you've always been ace, but was there a time when you realized that "other people are acting differently from me?"

Dark: I definitely had an asexuality journey. Growing up, Ace was hard when you had no information about it! I distinctly remember having a separation in my mind where sex was something that occurred in fictional media, not in real life. I technically knew that it was a real thing people did, but thinking of it existing in real life made me super uncomfortable. And when my friends and classmates started having sexual awakenings and experimenting, I genuinely thought it was weird and stupid lol. I obviously don't think that anymore; I think as long as it's consensual and everyone's happy about it, go nuts. I support people in that!

But I remember thinking, "As if anyone would feel that way". I think I saw it as "trying to be cool", and in a way I think a lot of it was. Sex and porn is always seen as a cool thing, hence why small-minded bullies call people virgins as an insult. People flaunt their "body count" and what positions they've tried and things like that because it makes other people see them as cool and desirable. The whole thing just felt stupid to me, and I didn't understand it.

Falling for people always scared me because everyone talked about sex like it was an inevitability. Everyone around me spoke like that, and in sex ed classes, they always said that sexual attraction was normal and natural and that you should be worried if you don't experience that. I know they were just trying to make a bunch of allo kids feel better about their urges and such, but to an asexual kid who doesn't feel sexual attraction, it makes you feel like a freak.

I kept experiencing genuine terror when I'd get romantically closer to the people I was into cause I kept feeling like there was a clock ticking down to when I'd have to sleep with them. And then I'd be relieved when things wouldn't work out between us. I remember feeling so confused about this, like why would I feel happy about things not working out?

It didn't help that, at the time, I was incredibly mentally unwell in general. I was filled with so much dread and anxiety and depression that having this on top of it just made everything worse. I had a crush on two girls at school, and one of my friends was trying to bully me into coming out as a lesbian (I wasn't out as non-binary yet). It was a really weird situation. I remember one day, he actually yelled at me about it. He was convinced he was trying to save me from being in the closet.

I stayed up late in my bedroom that night, and I was taking every online test I could about sexuality. Those "Am I gay" quizzes that a lot of people joke about being an integral queer experience, hahaha. I took test after test, and I kept getting bisexual. It didn't feel right. And then one test said I was asexual. I remember it felt like the world stopped, and I was staring at my phone in the dark, unmoving. I read about it, and I kid you not. I felt so much of the weight on my shoulders just melting away. I found AVEN that way, read the FAQ, and felt really seen. I remember crying and feeling like, "This is it. I'm not alone". And my insomniac ass fell asleep almost immediately after that, and I actually slept well for the first time in a long time.

It took a while before I could actually come out and tell people about it. Years, actually. And I experienced some pretty awful backlash from my closest friends and even some family members. I even lost a 10-year best friendship over it, who I now know wasn't really a real friend. But I'm finally at a place where I'm out and proud and take up space unapologetically as an asexual biromantic.

Danni: Hell yeah, bro! That's such an important and touching story. There's a few things in there that just surprise me. I don't want to get too deeply into your personal affairs, but I'm earnestly surprised that you lost a friend off of being asexual. Well, I guess, like you said, they weren't a real friend in the end. But the backlash seems so odd to me. I can definitely relate to a lot of what you describe, though. It's funny because a lot of people operate off of the assumption that asexuality isn't a marginalized or stigmatized identity. Or invoke a competitionist mindset as if we're engaging in the oppression Olympics and asexuals just can't compete.

That brings me to my next question.

Do you feel like it's challenging to explain asexuality to people? A common thing I've noticed is that conversations about it seem to, ironically enough, contain a sexual element to it. For example, someone may ask me, "You mean you don't even like it when someone does x on your y?" Despite the fact that it should be easy to describe the simplicity that some ace people have about their asexuality, it should be an open-and-shut case, but it doesn't seem to ever go that way. At least in my experience. Do you ever feel that?

Dark: Thank you! And yeah, losing that friend was really hard. That's actually what my first video was about! It's been deleted for a long time, but sometimes I think about remaking it.

You're so right about the competitionist mindset; I had another close friend at the time argue with me about why I shouldn't be included in the queer community as an ace person. His perspective was like you said; he was of the belief that we aren't marginalized or stigmatized, and yet he was throwing a tantrum about how much he wanted to exclude us and why he doesn't like us. I remember someone else who was there at the time said "I think it's really funny that you say they aren't marginalized, but you're actively fighting to marginalize them right now". He didn't like that very much.

I don't find it hard to explain to people per se; I find people just aren't open to understanding it. Like, I'll explain it in the simplest sense with the most straightforward language, and they'll always somehow get it twisted. It's like they're not really listening; they always walk away with their own interpretation based on their false assumptions and judgments, lol.

Danni: You're so right. Something I've begun to notice ever since getting into philosophy is that people have this uncanny "ability" to just shout past each other. And this permeates so much online discourse. I shudder at the thought of wars fought throughout history simply because people were either intentionally or unintentionally dedicated to misunderstanding other people. And what makes it worse is even if you put in all the effort to genuinely understand where they're coming from, the entire thing can still just fall apart because they're not willing to do the same. It can almost feel like a waste of respect.

Here's the next one.

Have you ever been asked the infamous "What do you even do?" What do you even do with all that free time not spent chasing after "life's greatest pleasure?" I think a part of the confusion comes from people not even knowing what their life would be like without the pursuit of romance and/or sexual relations.

Dark: Oh gosh, yeah, I've gotten that a lot. It's such a weird question, lol. I'll save you the boring stereotypical stories, but I have two stories that stood out to me in my head for some reason.

I had a coworker at an old job who always asked what I did on the weekend. No matter how exciting the things I told her were, she always told me I was "wasting my youth. ” I soon realized she was disappointed that I had no wild hook-up stories to tell her.

I also had an experience where I went to dinner with two friends. One friend was telling Tinder hook-up stories, and we were all laughing and chatting about it. The other friend chimed in with his grindr stories, and it continued. We were all laughing, chatting, etc. Then the first friend said, "What about you? Tell us some of yours!" And I said, "Oh, I don't have any! I'm asexual; I'm not really into that. Some aces are, but I'm not." She went dead silent and stared at me like I had two heads (hahaha, I mentioned Hitchhiker's Guide, and now I'm thinking of my man Zaphod Beeblebrox). She just kept staring, and I was like, "Uhhh...you okay?? I'm not judging you guys or anything." She was sputtering and struggling to start sentences. Eventually, she was like, "What do you mean??" so I explained that I'm romantically into people, just not sexually. And she continued to like short-circuit about it. She started up again and was like, "Are you for real?? I've never met anyone that doesn't partake in hookup culture. Like seriously?? Not even once??" and started telling me how she was always looking for that, and basically started freaking out about the concept of ace people existing.

Danni: Holy crap, it sounds like you gave her a minor crisis. It's incredible how allonormative our society is. To the point, people have never even heard of asexuality, and the little they do know seems to be associated with disability—or biological organisms. I've definitely been compared to a plant/bacteria before.

This brings me to my next question. It's about the a-spec community in general.

Do you think the a-spec community should be more structured? If so, what would you like to see in it ideally? Do you feel like you currently get any of that from the community?

Dark: I'm actually really happy with the Ace community as it is! Every ace person I've come across in the wild is pretty chill, even if we didn't work out as friends or anything. I spend all my time with the community online now, and I think different sites have different problems.

I find AVEN tends to draw in more mature and level-headed, accepting people, which is where I spend most of my time with the community. But it tends to draw a lot of allosexuals that just enjoy taking up space and arguing with aces about things they don't know about. Sometimes, they're downright aphobic, but they insist on spending their free time in our space, which is weird. Obviously, anyone can use AVEN, but I find it strange how often I've run into allos that are just there to be obstinate.

However, I try not to spend too much time in the ace subreddits. I've seen a lot of behaviour that just isn't cool or funny in any capacity to me (joking about war and invasions, spreading misinformation, fighting people over literally nothing, etc.).

I just realized all of my online friends are all on the a-spectrum in some way. I'm happy to say that because I used to be the only ace in every circle I was in.

Danni: Overall, I like AVEN and recommend it as a resource for people who want to be informed. I just can't with the forums, though. That gray hair I just got that I was talking about the other day. I swear it was from them! It's not the forum itself but some of the people there. Months ago, I wrote an essay there and was very surprised by the negative perception. It was about how to be a proper ally. It wasn't until someone responded telling me about black history with allies to my post that I understood the reception was more the result of racial markers. The people who were giving me flack were just from a completely different place than me and didn't understand how harmful allies can be if not done right. This is something I've noticed in terms of intersectionality, anyway, from my perspective. I know there's a black section on the forums, but it's unfortunate if I feel like I have to be relegated there. I also heard Yasmin Benoit talk about this in a recent interview. But enough about me.

Here are some more questions.

What are some resources you recommend for people interested in learning more about the a-spectrum, aside from AVEN?

Is there any harmful representation you've seen that you think does a disservice to a-spec individuals?

Like for example, there was an episode of House MD (a popular medical show) in which they had an asexual patient. House, who can be a bit acerbic at the best of times, spent the episode denigrating the patient’s asexuality. He said things that I myself have heard before, like, "Is he a bacteria?" House, being a genius, was able to surmise that the patient was just suffering from a tumor in the brain, and they "cured" him of the affliction. That's such a harmful message that a show could send, which harkens back to the continued to this very day of medical experimentation, medication, and dissection of queer individuals. It also likens queerness or, more specifically, asexuality to a disorder, and this being such a popular show, I can't help but wonder how deep of a hole it dug for us.

Dark: Wow, that is so fucking shitty about your experience with AVEN, and really disheartening too. I'm so disappointed to hear that. In response to: "What are some resources you recommend for people interested in learning more about the a-spectrum to look into? You know, aside from AVEN."

If anyone is in a crisis, I'd suggest reaching out to The Trevor Project(Source: The Trevor Project. Org). They're one of the only LGBTQIA+ helplines and not-for-profits that actually include asexuality in their wheelhouse. I would also recommend delving into some books! I've heard Angela Chen's Ace: What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex(Source: Angela Chen's official website) is a great place to start. And I'd recommend Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Lens on Our Sex-Obsessed Culture. (Source: Penguin Random House) If books aren't your thing, I'd recommend the following YouTube channels: Ace Dad Advice, Yasmin Benoit, Slice of Ace, and Marshall John Blount. (Source to all: Youtube)

In response to your other question.

Absolutely. There is, unfortunately, a shocking amount of media that represents us as either A) childish or B) traumatized into our orientation. There's an account on Tumblr called "Aspec Character of The Day" that uploads daily the different ace rep that they and their followers find. So many of them are self-published works by allosexual writers who are trying to do a good thing by having diverse characters, but they drop the ball severely. I actually had to stop following their updates because so much of it was incredibly triggering. Characters who are broken and abused, who learn to shed their asexuality because someone finally showed them how to love...that kind of thing. Of course, someone can be ace and sexually traumatized, people of any orientation can have any kind of trauma. But seeing how often the correlation is made? Really upsetting.

Not to get super triggering myself, but it reminds me of that really harmful old misconception that gay men were gay because they were sexually abused by men when they were kids. I heard that one growing up all too often. I think now that the word is finally getting out about asexuality, we're going through those growing pains that the gay and lesbian communities went through decades prior.

I love that someone is out there cataloging ace rep, but seeing how much of said "rep" is by people who profoundly misunderstand asexuality frustrates the hell out of me. It's part of why I decided to become a sensitivity reader and consultant. I want to be a resource where people who want to write an ace character can work all those kinks out before it makes it to publication.

There's also a shocking lack of ace representation for people of colour and trans individuals. I remember Yasmin Benoit talked about how the crew responsible for the documentary she was a part of ignored the wonderfully diverse nature of the community and chose to instead focus on able-bodied, young, white kids who were just figuring themselves out--kind of making it seem like asexuality was a thing for the young, white, and questioning. We come in all shapes, colours, abilities, and sizes, just like any other orientation. It really frustrates me to see how little we see of that in the tiny bits of representation we are handed.

I remember that episode of House; it was really damaging. I think it left a lasting impression on the minds of many people, even subconsciously. I still have to avoid telling medical professionals I'm asexual because every time I have, it's ended badly. Even therapists I've had attempt conversion therapy on me because of it. Side note: I find it so funny how they didn't seem to properly consult people for that show. I wasn't an avid watcher myself, as the character pissed me off, lol, but I remember hearing how he uses his cane on the wrong side despite being a genius medical professional. Disabled representation and ace representation are so rare and lacking that people don't even think to consult us or learn about us before taking the plunge and writing about us.

Danni: You're absolutely right. Our representation seems to suffer from well-meaning people as much as people who are malignantly ignorant. There's so often that view of asexuality as something to "get over."

Yeah, Yasmin Benoit's work is severely underappreciated in the Ace community and network. I've experienced it firsthand as have other aces of color, but there seems to be this misunderstanding of how vital intersectionality is. I'm working on something called sexual contract theory right now that delves into this because there can undoubtedly be unique situations one may face if they are part of a group that is under an extensive sexual contract. In popular culture, I often see this as being Black males, Asian females, blond hair, blue-eyed White women, and Latina women, just to name a few. Obviously, the sexual contract can differ depending on place and time period, but it's an incredibly important subject that I think needs more conversation put on it.

I've seen you talk about something tangentially related in your video on GaryCato/ QPR's (Source: Dark’s Youtube channel) and how the normative lens can marginalize certain groups. This brings to my mind natalism. I think that philosophy is one of the biggest oppressors of females and women and responsible for the indirect marginalization and oppression of asexuals from any gender identity as well.

This is awesome. I'm so happy you mentioned being a sensitivity reader. I was just about to mention that. Here's my next question.

So you're a sensitivity reader on the side. Do you think representation is essential to the ace community, and what are some excellent ace characters that come to mind?

It's insane how deeply ingrained we get with stories. I think that's why people tend to fight over representation so much. The fact that he was spit on of all things really shows the disdain they had for him. An entire a-spec cast?! That sounds like a unicorn to me. I think you've brought up a good point. Todd is considered the de facto representation of ace people in pop culture right now. Or at least he was a few years ago.

Dark: That sounds super necessary, seriously. I've experienced some of this, too, in different ways. It's so strange how so many people can be experiencing something, and yet it flies under the radar because of pervasive normative views around sex from an allosexual perspective.

It's so true! Todd really is the average person's ace poster boy, hahaha. And discovering yourself that late--It's truly a blend of joy and sadness. I think Ace Dad Advice mentioned something similar: that they feel some envy for those who figured out their gender and orientation at such a young age.

Yes! And for sure, I think it's really important, more important than someone might think at first consideration. Media hugely affects how we see each other and treat each other. I'm reminded of how I heard Joffrey's actor from Game of Thrones apparently had people spit on him in the street because they took his acting incredibly seriously to the point that they thought he was the same as his character. And how I've had strangers reach out to me and try and strike up a conversation because I reminded them of Abby from NCIS, a goth character who was beloved by viewers. I've heard a lot of people had their opinions of Goths shift because of her.

Todd from BoJack Horseman was one of those characters for many people. While his portrayal isn't the best (Source: Dark’s Youtube channel), it was good enough that it opened up the door for people to start seeing us as sympathetic and human. Most of my favourite ace characters are in books and comics: Kamai from Beyond The Black Door, Connor Hawke from Green Arrow, Chip Zdarsky's rendition of Jughead in The Archie Comics, and Jordan and Hennessey from Upside Down, to name a handful.

Dawnfall is fantastic in that it's an all-ace cast that doesn't feel unnatural or strange, if that makes any sense. I think the key lies in the fact that it's #OwnVoices. I don't think you can ever really beat representation that comes straight from the community in question. However, I could totally be wrong in thinking that! The characters I mentioned previously, Jordan and Hennessey, were written by an allosexual writer (as far as I know), and she really hit the nail on the head with them, I think. I agree entirely with the natalism thing, though.

Danni: Quick Question. With the natalism take? What made you resonate?

Dark: Well, as someone who is AFAB and asexual, I've just experienced so much societal pressure and social conditioning around having children. I've directly experienced random strangers telling me that "someday when I have children of my own, I'll understand" or asking "how my children are" when I've never once stated I wanted that for myself or had any kids of my own. It starts super young, too; I remember teachers and parents talking around me or to me as if it was an inevitability I'd have children. And it's always from that perspective and general assumption that that's our purpose, y'know?

Not to mention, as someone who is genderfluid and non-binary, people seem to have negative reactions (sometimes viscerally) to the concept of people with breasts wearing binders or getting top surgery. If AFAB people are born to have children, then "getting rid of our ability to naturally feed our children" becomes offensive.

And then, from the ace perspective, there's this idea that sex is the most remarkable human experience, and it's been put there on that pedestal because of natalism, in my opinion. If we view humans and their purpose here as to procreate above all else, it's easy to see how asexuals can be seen as aberrant and unnatural.

Danni: Exactly! I didn't want to assume your experience as an AFAB individual, so that's why I felt the need to ask. I think it's genuinely a hidden oppressor of so many marginalized groups. I see what you mean. I would like to give my perspective on something you said earlier. I mean, every community and network has problematic people who probably shouldn't be its spokespeople. I certainly think it's not always cut and dry, though, and it should be afforded to all people so that they can speak for themselves.

Here's another question coming your way.

What made you want to start YouTube?

Dark: It was a multi-faceted thing. I've wanted to do YouTube for a very long time. My childhood best friend and I really loved watching Smosh at the start of YouTube, and we planned on making a comedy channel, which never happened. Then YouTube went through its whole beauty guru era, and I had planned on being a makeup YouTuber. For some reason, I just never actually started.

Fast forward to me coming down with fibromyalgia, and I was stuck watching YouTube a lot, barely able to move. I had no idea where my life was going cause I was in so much pain I could barely function. But then I found out that a famous creator, Corpse Husband, had fibromyalgia...and had a successful YouTube and Twitch career! Then I saw IronMouse, who was also very successful as a creator while suffering from CVID (common variable immunodeficiency) and being unable to leave her home. She started off streaming, lying down on her back in bed. I think something clicked in my brain where I was like, "This is something I can do." Not only is it something I can do, but it's also something that would be able to connect me to the outside world again after becoming somewhat of a shut-in.

To be honest, I've been avoiding mentioning specific influences cause I'm not a super fan of either of them, and I don't really want to be compared to them. But while I'm not a super fan, I do have deep respect for them as people. And I do feel really grateful that they, alongside many other disabled and chronically ill creators I looked up to, paved the way for others like me.

And as a silly side note, I spent so much time as a kid learning editing software and making anime and game music videos for my favourite songs. I figured it'd be fun to get into editing videos again, hahaha.

Danni: I think we’re all better off hearing about perspectives like yours. With that in mind. How can allonormative people better support and understand their aro/ace/a-spec friends and family members?

Dark: The first step to take for anyone wanting to understand is to listen. First and foremost, just listen. If your friend, family member, or loved one wants to tell you about it, it's because it's important to them. And they know their experiences better than anyone else. It's okay to ask questions but hear them out first.

Second, I'd say not to make assumptions. If you've never interacted with our community firsthand, there's a good chance you have the wrong idea about it. And that's ok! There are so many resources out there. Even if you aren't a parent, there are some really easy-to-understand pages that come up when you search "Asexuality for parents" that break things down in a really digestible manner. So, if you're struggling to wrap your head around it, I know those can be an excellent place to start.

Third, I'd say beware of speaking for us. Instead, direct people's attention to asexual voices and uplift their voices instead. Because we are very misunderstood, I've seen a lot of people try to bat for our community and end up spreading way more misinformation whilst trying to educate others. Unfortunately, this makes even more people understand us even less. But they then go off into the world with confidence, feeling like they are armed with the knowledge to advocate for us, which in turn just spreads more misinformation. And to a very misunderstood community, it just marginalizes us further.

Finally, remember that we are just people! Just like you, we have our own thoughts, experiences, opinions, and feelings. We are not cold or unfeeling for experiencing the world differently than those around us.

Danni: Your third point is so fuckin' crucial it's not even funny. Earlier, when I mentioned drama I got into on AVEN, it was about this exact topic. I got flamed so severely (at least that’s what it felt like to me at the time, but I could just be sensitive) by what I assume were white people (I don't want to state that for sure, and this is by no means all white people, but I've noticed white people and specifically black POCs tend to have different opinions on allies what with things like white saviors which many white people still don’t understand black people don’t like. I think white people are awesome and don’t think it’s fair to use the worst of anyone to define their whole group. I’m just pointing out that this thought pattern seems to prevail in that group.) The person who knew anything about black civil rights and feminism knew precisely what I was talking about. Nearly everyone else acted like I just said something disgusting and vile by daring to say that "allies" can perpetuate harm. It's that arrogance I can't stand. And then they insulted me by implying I was perpetuating thought crime, which is an ideology depicted in George Orwell's 1984 that's often known for being critical of authoritarian government. Sorry, I didn't mean to dump it. It was just a strange experience overall. (Side note: I’m not advocating for harassment of anybody on any platform in any way, shape, or form. Just highlighting how communities can be so broad and have different stances and opinions. AVEN is still a great website for research purposes, even if you don’t go into the forums. And even if you do, please check out the forums at least once. That’s where I met Dark and some other people that I treasure dearly. That’s why I call it a mixed bag.)

Dark: JFC, what the actual hell? Perpetuating thought crime??? It's a literal fact; anyone can do harm, ESPECIALLY allies who hold more privilege; what the fuck?

Danni: Yeah, I'm taking an AVEN detox at the moment. I still love the concept and what it represents, and the resources on the website are great, but the general populace is a mixed bag, and that's okay. Nobody's perfect. No community is perfect. It's just insane to me to see the arrogance and privilege.

Last question, Dark.

What advice would you give to someone who is just beginning to explore their own aromantic or asexual identity?

Dark: First of all, congrats! I'm so happy you're here and have figured yourself out some more. I'd also say to take it at your own pace. It's not a race; you don't have to know everything right away. Just knowing you belong, you're not alone, and that you have a whole community of people just like you should hopefully bring you some comfort.

For some of us, it takes a while to see the whole picture. There's a lot of learning to do, such as the different types of attraction and what they are, micro labels, etc. You don't have to do a deep dive and hyper-analyze every aspect of yourself if you don't want to.

I first thought I was heteroromantic grey-ace, and now, 10+ years in, I know myself to be biromantic asexual. Most of that discovery came from just letting go and experiencing the world, and those experiences pointed me further into knowing myself better.

You can do it! I believe in you. Oh, and drop those "friends" of yours that call you an amoeba and try to disprove your sexuality. They're not worth your time. There are plenty of great people out there you have yet to meet! They're out there, I promise.

Danni: Thanks so much for your precious time, Big Sib! I really hope the reader can feel the compassion that I'm getting from that response. It speaks of a lived experience—a valid experience—and an experience that uniquely answers the question, "What do you even do?"

Dark: Yayyy!! You're so welcome! Thank you for including me in the project!! 😃 ✨

And that about wraps it up, guys. That was my twin DarkTeaTime! Please check out their content on YouTube. If you guys would like an essay on sexual contract theory, let me know with a message. For those of you who learned something about us on the a-spectrum through this article, please share it with your friends, families, and colleagues. These types of projects help to show the diversity in underrepresented communities and open up avenues for all of us.